reflections

I love my life. I adore my husband and the home he provides for me. My 5 boys are brilliant, caring, wonderful and happy. I have a special relationship with each one of them. Yes, when I held William for the first time I still cried for my other 2 babies, lost. I want them more with every passing day. And yes, I will still be going about my daily routine and suddenly find myself in tears feeling as if the bottom has fallen out only to realise that I am missing my mother. Yes, I am scared to death of loosing my father. (Although he's got longevity in his genes. He is 74 now and just beginning to "feel" his age.) Yes, I worry about the bullies on the playground and in the parking lot. I worry about so many things but the honest truth is that Life is GLORIOUS. Life is WONDERFUL. Being a wife and mother is the highest calling I could ever hope for. I feel horrible for the women out there that choose not to do this. That choose to not experience it and can not understand this life. "Don't miss the boat!" I want to tell them. It is difficult, harder than anything else I can imagine. You give up so much to do it. The rewards seem few and far between. You will never get it perfectly right. You must be a total self motivator and you must be totally selfless to be completely happy. You can never wonder about what you may be missing. The moment you try to do something for you and only you things consistently fall apart. At times you wonder what you are doing creating road maps, guiding lives and hurdling chaos when you are completely untrained and unprepared. Clueless. You can't imagine how you've gotten there but there you are. And someone has to do it. And you're the Mom. It's all you. "Welcome to motherhood. Now it's all your fault." That's what my mother told me when I had my first. the good. the bad. the ugly. But I like to think that it's ALL my fault. the kind. the generous. the beautiful. So guess what?! I'll take the blame! It's my fault everyone! I just hope there's more positive to be blamed for than negative in the end. But you never know, right?...Motherhood.